FastFive! [bitches!]

N.B. The word “bitches” was not actually in this movie’s title, but God, it should’ve been.

N.N.B. Joining me for this review is my good friend Jordan Koen. Go follow him on twitter and, more importantly, jam to his music.

Jordan: Hi there, I’m Jordan.

Nas: On Sunday night me, you and [y]our mates undertook the titanically manly task of going to watch the latest in a long line of sequels to The Fast & The Furious (seriously, click that link; that trailer is so 2001). You’ll recall that there was 2 Fast 2 Furious, Tokyo Drift (with its ridiculously ausome titular anthem), Fast&Furious and that brings us up to speed for the fifth installment: Fast Five (or Fast & Furious 5: Rio Heist in places that aren’t the USA). There are a lot of movies I’ve been waiting a long time to see this year, like Thor, Green Lantern, Captain America and other cool obvious franchise flicks. I’ve only been excited about Fast Five, though, for about two weeks. This was ever since you told me, Jordan, that it didn’t just star Vin Diesel and Paul Walker (who will probably never make another kind of movie ever), but also Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!! This man sweats Awesome. Soon as I knew he was in it, I knew that the people behind this franchise about fast cars, burly men, hot chicks and overly simplistic cop/heist plots knew what they were doing. Isn’t The Rock just the bestest? Let’s get into this thing. Take it away, Jordan!

Jordan: First off lets not believe that Fast Five is anything more than it sets out to be. Pure unadulterated Action. The plot is so paper thin a five-year-old probably wrote it but little plot is needed when you have action scenes this amazing.

Nas: Ask yourself how many action sequences you can come up with involving cars. If the answer is more than 9, congratulations, cos you obviously already worked on FastFive! Everything that makes this kind of movie fun to watch can be summed up in the first 30 minutes, where [SPOILERS!] a truck is hanging out the side of a train, about to hit a bridge and explode, with Paul Walker hanging from it. Vin Diesel has to steal a car off the moving train and save his buddy. It. Is. Ridiculous.

Jordan: Director Justin Lin delivers in spades, this isn’t just one car race/crash after another. No, my friends, this film has one of the best fight scenes of all time. Not that the fight is amazing. It’s just the fact that you get to witness The Rock and Diesel go at it. Woo. And they go at it. This, friends, is worth the price of a 3D movie alone.

Nas: You tell no lies. I think the director even summed this whole movie up as being about The Rock jumping through a window and hitting Vin Diesel in the head.

You better run, Vin!

Jordan: Not to mention the fact that Rock has some of the best one-liners in an action flick to date. The plot involves Diesel & Co. heading over to Rio after the FBI starts a manhunt for them and eventually ends with them heisting the richest mobster in town.

Nas: The Rock, meanwhile, is the special forces guy sent in to hunt them down. How can you not want to watch this movie now?!

Jordan: So the Fast & Furious crew have to battle the locals and the Special Forces at the same time, which obviously just means double the action for us.

Nas: This movie strings together its action sequences and cool moments by just having other characters ask Vin Diesel rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions he then answers, because he is that sort of tough guy with a watertight plan!

Jordan: I won’t lie and say I didn’t get as giddy as a schoolgirl when he first appears on screen, with the overly blatant hero shot on the back of a truck alongside a moving train.

Nas: Normally I’m not a big Vin Diesel fan, but you gotta respect the dude for owning up to his career screw-ups. He didn’t sign on for 2 Fast 2 Furious and he knew it was a mistake. This meant that we had to sit through an entire movie where Paul Walker tried to act. And worse: The Dawn of Tyrese.

Jordan: Oh wait! I had almost forgotten about old Paul Walker. Shame. Poor Paul is pushed to the sidelines in action terms, as the other two leads just own the action in this film. Walker does a job (neither good nor bad) of being the emotional anchor for the team.

Nas: Paul Walker has this weird schoolboy likability that means no matter how many awkward examples of Ebonics he mutters at the other characters, you never quite hate him. You just sort of don’t care about him either. What about the rest of the cast? This movie brings almost all the other major Fast & Furious characters together. Along with Diesel, Walker and Jordana Brewster from the original, we’ve got – sigh – Tyrese and Ludacris from the first sequel, and Sung Kang, fromTokyo Drift (which is now, apparently, set after all the Walker movies), who even played his character Han in a non-Fast & Furious movie. We all know how much I love characters named Han. And then there’s some other people to round things out, including another hot chick. For posterity.

Jordan: The rest of the cast, ummmmm, yeah I dont really care about them. The girls are hot as hell, the rappers are comic relief and if they can’t do it, there are two Mexicans for you.

Nas: Special billing for Jordana Brewster though. There’s a reason her pregnant character doesn’t ever look even 3 months into baby-rearing for this whole movie.

_________________________________________________________

The One-Liner: This is a movie where The Rock leaps through a window to catch Vin Diesel, guys.

The Best: Action! Action! Vin Diesel! The Rock! Jordana Brewster! Action! Also, the intro lives up to the original movie’s title in every way.

The Worst: It’s all completely implausible rubbish, but let’s be fair here, this movie wasn’t trying to be anything other than the most blatantly action-y action movie of the year. We haven’t been to the future, but we think it may’ve succeeded.

Rating: Full Bone.

P.S. Stay for an after-the-credits scene if you like sexy Latinas, ugly Latinas and wanna be on the up and up for Fast Six (they should honestly just call it Six). I think Winter 2013 is gonna be a good time for us all, folks.

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